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Rant on Stressing

Call me anti-social…or whatever.. but I don’t enjoy hanging out/spending time with people that I honestly don’t care about. Sounds weird…rude..even but it’s true..Maybe I am weird.? Selfish? I feel like there are many people that I deeply care about that I haven’t had much time to catch up with, I don’t want to waste my time with people who won’t appreciate my presence and vice versa. This might be because lately I’ve been a bit stressed and short on time…

I have been working non-stop everyday…this week was really busy…I had to cover someone as the manager of a hospital dispensary..I’ve only been there on a handful of occasions and this time it really stressed me out! I can tell how stressed I am..I had to work from early morning until well into the night…I cannot believe I used to drive one hour to work -work for 12 hours and then drive one hour home- than repeat several times a week… I think I am getting too old for that…no wonder I was so stressed back then and so so tired. It’s exhausting. When I finally hit the weekends where I only work in the afternoons..I slept till midday…because my body was just tired…I didn’t have time to go to the gym..I didn’t have time to use my phone…No time to see friends…I was too stressed to sleep properly…by the end of the week I had pimples on my face…really dead hair…and a rash on my neck..and just felt groggy..

After my last 12 hour shift on the Friday, I caught up with some friends…and they asked me why I was working so hard? It’s not like I want to work there full time or want a promotion..I think it’s just my own harsh work ethic on myself..I put myself responsible for everything that goes wrong…I feel so bad if I have to make more work for someone else…but at the same time I know I have my limitations and in the end I am just one person. Is it selfish for me to assume so much responsibility? I am just covering someone..yet I feel like I have to try so hard. Who am I trying to impress? I actually could have said NO to covering that person, who just happens to be my boss and manager…

I think maybe its my work ethics that are back to haunt me. I don’t want people to talk down on me and say bad things..sigh why do we try to impress people..but in the end we are just pretending everything is okay? it’s not okay!

There were times at work where I really struggled. I felt so alone. I felt like no one could help me. I didn’t know what to do..and honestly… I just did what I thought would be the best for the patient. I don’t know if it is what other pharmacists would do…what my boss would do..but honestly, though it was a tough week. I realised…there is lots I do not know. I forgot what I did know already. It’s through these tough times we grow muscles. But I think I still need to pace myself… Maybe doing four days in a row there was a bit too much…on the back of working 15 days straight…with minimal sleep and study..It’s not a good combination.

At the end of the stint at the stressful hospital, I caught up with some friends late at night. I just felt I needed to relax. I felt like I lost myself for the past week…All I did was work sleep repeat. I don’t want to live like that anymore…because what is the point? All that extra stress bites into your mental and physical health and then you will end up using the extra money you made to pay for people to make you feel better…its a viscous cycle of madness. Because of the high amount of medical bills you have to pay, then the more you work.

Just need to think about why you want to work and what you are working for…have a vision in front of you and ask yourself “Is it worth it?” I hope it is..

Well, for my reason for working so much is that I want to be able to both go on a holiday overseas AND also put a deposit on my very own house! I want to Marie Kondo the sh*t out of it..hahaha…Don’t get me wrong, I love my current cute house I live in with my parents, but I would love to own my own place that I can call my own and invite friends over without worrying about all the mess……….that is my current house.

What was this post even about?

 

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